I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
