i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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