Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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