hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
