I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
