i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
