I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
