She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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