I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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