im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
