hotel room ftw
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
