I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
