I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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