I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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