i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
