I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
