Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
