Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
