Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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