Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My feet surprised me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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