This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
