Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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