Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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