I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize