I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
