the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
