Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
