You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
