yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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