We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
