Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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