My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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