I wanna bring you to show and tell
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
