Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
