you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
