It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
