I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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