I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
