My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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