I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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