It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize