Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize