the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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