i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
