I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
