You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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