I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
