I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
