I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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