dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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