im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
