if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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