guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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