the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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