I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
