I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
