this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
