I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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