I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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